hello internet world

July 6, 2021 was the last time I posted anything on the Internet. In the throws of depression, though on the tail-end of it. When I re-read the caption on this post, it makes me feel a lot of things. I feel sad for the girl in that period of time going through some hard shit, and I also feel a little maternal over her, wishing I could do something to course-correct her sadness. Maybe even just help her see her own situation a little more clearly now with a few years of hindsight.

And in another maternal way, I’m also proud of her. I know what her life eventually evolves into and who she evolves into. And… it’s beautiful! She becomes a person cushioned by love, the care of others, the comfort and at-home-ness that comes with a partner that you are so deeply yourself with and who you love and who loves you in so many different, wonderful ways. A person with the fullness that motherhood brings – full joy, full exhaustion, full everything.

Early last year, my husband and I met Maizie – our new, shared, most favorite person in the world. When she was around 6 months old, I understood (or maybe accepted) that I had postpartum depression, which was also when I went back to work. A coincidence that I noticed my depression when I had to go back to work? No, I think that was always to be expected.

But one year later, 6 months of Zoloft, a few therapy sessions down, and on the precipice of working part-time so I can be with my girlie more – here I am. Thinking that maybe now could be the time to come back to the Internet.

I had exited the pivotal friendships of my early-20’s, in a way that I still feel shame about and experienced through grief, because I was losing many people I had loved very much over the course of one of the most informative periods of my life, and losing them quickly. These were people who I laughed so hard with, loved being silly around. This was the most fun period of my life – I was young! Zero obligations except for those unto myself!

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